“Is he okay?” Followed with a head shaking "no".
It was then that my world froze. No child should ever have to be asked if they want to go see their parent's remains. No child should ever have to shatter and fall broken to the ground. The sound that I found resonating from the deepest depths of my being was not a cry or a scream. It was a sound of utter anguish. It poured from me with such ferocity, I could feel the heat rise from my soul. I felt a numbness overwhelm my body and expand in the crevices of my being. In that instant, our perfect family was shattered. Our perfect lives were destroyed. Normal was an illusion.
It was July 14, 2005, that my daddy left this Earth.
What you have to understand about my dad is: he is my biggest fan, he is my hero, my confidant, my jury, my judge, everything. He was my heart and he was my best friend. He was a family man. There was nothing he loved more than his family.
It was July 14, 2005 that I began to run as far from God as I possibly could…
I lost myself in ’05. I lost my sense of discernment. I lost my purpose. I became two different people, co-existing in a turbulent state. My soul became ground-zero for a spiritual warfare so extreme, it left me exhausted and worn. My body completely shut down from shock. I had to be hospitalized because I wouldn't eat, sleep or drink.
It’s difficult to recall specifics from that summer. Not simply due to the lapse in time since, but because of the overwhelming numbness that consumed me. I was on auto-pilot. Unable to process through so many emotions as quickly as society demanded. I was helpless. Confused. Torn.
"This is what I get?" "What did I do to deserve this?" I became so angry with God. "I don't want anything to do with you God". "You weren't there for me when my family needed you. I fell into depression. Deep, deep depression. I started feeling feelings I had never felt before. Feelings of resentment, anger, and hatred. I became a completely different person and lived a double life.
It’s important for me to share something at this moment. Important for me to break from my story for a minute and humble myself to you. So please read these words with care and with sincerity. Please know that what I say, I truly mean from the deepest caverns of my heart…
To those I affected along my dark journey, I am deeply and truly sorry. For those I confused, for those I mistreated, for those I lied to, for those hearts I hurt, for those I neglected…I am so sorry. I offer up myself, offer up my pride. Whether you felt the repercussions then or have felt them in any way since, I can’t apologize deeply enough. I’m sorry I was a false witness and I can only pray, that from this day on, you see what God is doing through me. And you know that what you saw then was not real and was not pure. What you saw then was not God.
A few things that later on happened gradually reignited a fire in my soul. A fire that soon gave me the strength to take a stand. Take a stand against the waging forces that were tearing me apart. Take a stand against the dark feelings that were pulling at my strings like a puppet-master. Take a stand against Satan…
No wound heals quickly. No gash is mended by freshly born skin as swiftly as we all would like. Every scrape, cut, and burn scabs. And many times, we find ourselves frustrated when, in our anxious movement after the pain has subsided, we tear those scabs wide open again. In our haste, we are again exposed to the slicing pain we first felt. But given time, and care and patience, those wounds scab again and eventually scar. Allowing us to be sewn like new, but always leaving behind a mark of our misfortune. A reminder of the pain we endured. A reminder of the lessons we learned.
Taking a stand against the spiritual warfare that was ripping me apart, I found myself scabbed. I was tender and uncomfortable and often very vulnerable, but I was beginning to heal. As I was slowly gaining strength, Satan was quickly gaining fury. As I began to deny him, he began to grow angry. I was not walking, yet, arm-in-arm again with my King, but I was trying to crawl from my captor. Trying to steal away in the night when Satan wouldn’t notice or see me leave. But he is keen, he is sharp–he is resentful. And he did notice. He was going to try anything to keep me captive. Anything to handicap my progress. Anything to keep me in his sinful snare.
I find it funny, at times, to sit back and look at the works of our God. To sit back and watch, how desperately, Satan tries to wage an un-winnable war. To sit back and watch the grace that God shows to those who seek Him. It’s amusing, truly. Amusing to watch the futile attempts the Devil makes. Painful, but amusing.
Everything we seek on this Earth to fill any part of us is so temporary. Unless it's the love of God. I didn't know that at that time. I couldn't feel it at that time. It hurt too bad to feel.It was so difficult to learn that lesson. I had to fail time and time again. Through all these failures and all this pain, guess who was knocking the whole time on my heart saying "please let me in. just please let me back in".
God is beautiful. The best encouragement I received through all of that was that I was going to hit bumps in the road. I was going to face adversity. But We have to rejoice in our adversity. Because adversity produces perseverance. Perseverance produces character. And character produces hope. And hope in God never fails us. IT NEVER FAILS US. I am a living testament to the fact that I have been at the highest of highs and I have been at the lowest of absolute lows. And through this whole journey of life that is a roller coaster, there's one constant, one: God. His love, grace and mercy never fail.
-xoxo, E
